Where do I even begin? If you have been following me on my Instagram account, then you have definitely seen a glimpse of my journey of finally becoming a mother. As much as I wanted to share with everyone every detail of it, some things are better kept private and I really hope you guys respect and understand that. I have been wanting to share with the world this biggest blessing in our life and have been keeping it a secret for quite some time until now. But before we get to the edge of it, let me take you on my journey as I share with you guys that it wasn’t easy getting to where we are now.
Today, my son is three weeks old as I am writing this post. (Took me days to finish since he is always up every two 2-3hours, and I am totally in zombie mode right now, not that I am complaining.) It was actually hard for me to decide whether to blog about this or not but I know that my experience would somehow be relatable to other women and wives out there, and giving them a shout out that “You are not alone” and there is always hope, just have faith.
For the past 8 years, I have been battling myself with infertility. I found out I have endometriosis a few months after my wedding day. And that is where it all started. No wonder I have cramps from hell every month during my menstruation cycle. Never ending visits to the doctors, medicines, and needles for the past 8 years of our married life. I think it is safe to say that my body had a thousand needles from all the injections and blood tests, not to mention the acupuncture needles too. So now you know why I am always in Manila. I’m sure most of you thought I was just having the time of my life flying to Manila every two to four weeks to go shopping at the mall and dine at the newest restaurants in the metro. But behind all the shopping and all the food trips, there it was, me, trying to look fine, pretty and happy. Retail therapy was always my quickest pain reliever. I never wanted to show anyone the pain I went through coz I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me or sad. I just want to share good vibes (bawal ang nega).
There was a point in my life where I almost lost it. Among my family and friends, I think I am always the one who is strong and the one who pushes someone to never give up on something that you really want to achieve. I always say that in life there is no room for sadness because there is so much in this life to be happy about and to be thankful for. Just being able to breathe is already a blessing.
But it was last December 2016, after another failed procedure, I just couldn’t figure out myself anymore and felt like a complete failure, and lost all hope. I was not feeling the holidays, I was afloat, I was feeling numb, and to make matters worse, my dog Fuchsia got sick before the new year and passed away on the fourth of January. You may recall from my previous blog and social media post on how sad I was. And then my Yorkshire Terrier, Summer, followed Fuchsia’s death a month later which added more pain to what I was going through coz they were with me for eleven to thirteen years. My dogs were even with me during my first miscarriage when I brought them to Manila to keep me company. I miss them terribly.
I know God has plans for me and I never wanted to ask why some things just happen. I can’t help but ask why is this happening to me, I am not a bad person. I know it is wrong to ask “why Lord, why?”. But I prayed every day that God will grant me acceptance, and I was heard. I just surrendered everything to Him and embraced His plans as the days, months and years go by.
My marriage with Ryan has been the sweetest thing. Ryan never let go of my hand right from the start. He has been my solid rock all these years. He has put up with all my mood swings and my tantrums from hell. He has seen me at my worst and yet, he still tells me every single day how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to call me his wife.
I missed myself, I missed my old self, I missed the Sheila that was not moody, not grumpy, not irritable, and impatient. I am such a bitch boss at the office. Maybe you should try taking all those hormonal medicines and then tell me if you still feel the same.
In life, we meet all sorts of people and there are those I labeled as “insensitive people” and it’s somehow our job to understand their nature. After all, we live in a harsh world wouldn’t you agree? One thing I hate about going to parties, especially children parties is that people tend to ask the most simple yet insensitive questions of all. There are three common questions and I’m sure most of you women who are still trying to have a baby have been asked:
- Why don’t you have kids yet, are you worried that you’ll gain weight and ruin your figure?
- You should stop traveling and start making babies already.
- What are you guys waiting for, you’re not getting any younger, you should make babies already.
I think during the fifth year of my marriage, Ryan would watch out for me during parties or any gatherings where there are these so-called “insensitive people”. Well, he was just actually afraid that I might go crazy on them, and that the least I could do was just to roll my eyes.
Like, come on! If you have nothing important and nice to say to anyone, JUST SHUT UP! You have no idea what a person is going through. It is always rude to ask any personal question or even assume of something you know nothing about. If I don’t ask for your advise then please don’t give any like you know better than me.
At the back of my mind, I just wanted to shout and tell that person, if only you know what I have done and been through just to get pregnant and that I had two miscarriages then you would probably be shutting your mouth. But I just smiled and tried my best to be nice to them. I mean, I hate to be mean but I don’t ask you why you are fat or skinny, or why you have a big zit on your face, don’t I? Sorry, it’s just my hormones talking, hahah!
Funny how life is. When you don’t have a boyfriend, people tell you to find one or ask why you don’t have a boyfriend, then when you have boyfriend, people asked you when will you get married, and when you get married, people asked you when will you have kids, and when you have one kid, they will ask you when will you have another baby, and when you have so many kids, people ask you when will you stop having babies.
But of course, there are also people who understand your situation and told me that they will pray for me which I appreciate it a lot. (Thank you, You know who you are.)
So to those asking, here are some facts. In 2009 I had my cyst from my right ovary removed and only to find out later on that it had grown back. I have done four (4) Intrauterine insemination (IUI) and five (5) In vitro fertilization (IVF), all five IVF I was stimulated every time since I don’t have enough eggs for storage every harvest. This is where the hundreds if not thousands of injections come in. I have a long medical history in short. I am already immune to needles in any parts of my body.
As my friends would say, I don’t owe anyone an explanation. Safe to say that I tried everything, you name it, I have probably done it. I even drink a Chinese herbal medicine with a freaking dried cockroach looking insect in it for a year and it was the worst tasting drink I’ve ever drunk in my life.
I guess even the act of smiling is kinda hard to do when life just throws a bucket full of needles at you. But somehow, I manage to get up on my feet.
My parents, Papa Leo and Mama Mila, played a very vital role in my journey. They are the ones who always tell me to never give up when I said that “I can’t do it anymore.” They have supported Ryan and me from day one coz we all know these procedures aren’t cheap. After the first unsuccessful procedure, they said to try again, then again, and then said “one last time” but ended up trying again and said “last nalang”, and then said, “don’t give up, try and try again”. I was physically and emotionally drained and stressed out and wanted to give up but my parents remained so positive and never wanted me to give up until we succeed.
We even spoke about adopting a child but that was never an option for me and Ryan. It was either having a baby of our own or no baby at all and just buy a dozen dogs. It was actually last year, 2017, that Ryan and I had fully embraced the thought of not having kids in our life. We have come to a point where we have accepted it and that it was okay not to have a child anymore as long as we have each other.
But God truly works in mysterious ways and I believe everything happens for a reason. Trust in Him and everything will just fall into place.
On the feast of Saint Anthony last month, our little miracle was born, a healthy baby boy.
To be continued…