My Journey To Motherhood (Part 1)

Where do I even begin? If you have been following me on my Instagram account, then you have definitely seen a glimpse of my journey of finally becoming a mother. As much as I wanted to share with everyone every detail of it, some things are better kept private and I really hope you guys respect and understand that. I have been wanting to share with the world this biggest blessing in our life and have been keeping it a secret for quite some time until now. But before we get to the edge of it, let me take you on my journey as I share with you guys that it wasn’t easy getting to where we are now.

Today, my son is three weeks old as I am writing this post. (Took me days to finish since he is always up every two 2-3hours, and I am totally in zombie mode right now, not that I am complaining.) It was actually hard for me to decide whether to blog about this or not but I know that my experience would somehow be relatable to other women and wives out there, and giving them a shout out that “You are not alone” and there is always hope, just have faith.

For the past 8 years, I have been battling myself with infertility. I found out I have endometriosis a few months after my wedding day. And that is where it all started. No wonder I have cramps from hell every month during my menstruation cycle. Never ending visits to the doctors, medicines, and needles for the past 8 years of our married life. I think it is safe to say that my body had a thousand needles from all the injections and blood tests, not to mention the acupuncture needles too. So now you know why I am always in Manila. I’m sure most of you thought I was just having the time of my life flying to Manila every two to four weeks to go shopping at the mall and dine at the newest restaurants in the metro. But behind all the shopping and all the food trips, there it was, me, trying to look fine, pretty and happy. Retail therapy was always my quickest pain reliever. I never wanted to show anyone the pain I went through coz I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me or sad. I just want to share good vibes (bawal ang nega).

There was a point in my life where I almost lost it. Among my family and friends, I think I am always the one who is strong and the one who pushes someone to never give up on something that you really want to achieve. I always say that in life there is no room for sadness because there is so much in this life to be happy about and to be thankful for. Just being able to breathe is already a blessing.

But it was last December 2016, after another failed procedure, I just couldn’t figure out myself anymore and felt like a complete failure, and lost all hope. I was not feeling the holidays, I was afloat, I was feeling numb,  and to make matters worse, my dog Fuchsia got sick before the new year and passed away on the fourth of January. You may recall from my previous blog and social media post on how sad I was. And then my Yorkshire Terrier, Summer, followed Fuchsia’s death a month later which added more pain to what I was going through coz they were with me for eleven to thirteen years. My dogs were even with me during my first miscarriage when I brought them to Manila to keep me company. I miss them terribly.

I know God has plans for me and I never wanted to ask why some things just happen. I can’t help but ask why is this happening to me, I am not a bad person. I know it is wrong to ask “why Lord, why?”. But I prayed every day that God will grant me acceptance, and I was heard. I just surrendered everything to Him and embraced His plans as the days, months and years go by.

My marriage with Ryan has been the sweetest thing. Ryan never let go of my hand right from the start. He has been my solid rock all these years. He has put up with all my mood swings and my tantrums from hell. He has seen me at my worst and yet, he still tells me every single day how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to call me his wife.

I missed myself, I missed my old self, I missed the Sheila that was not moody, not grumpy, not irritable, and impatient. I am such a bitch boss at the office. Maybe you should try taking all those hormonal medicines and then tell me if you still feel the same.

In life, we meet all sorts of people and there are those I labeled as “insensitive people” and it’s somehow our job to understand their nature. After all, we live in a harsh world wouldn’t you agree? One thing I hate about going to parties, especially children parties is that people tend to ask the most simple yet insensitive questions of all. There are three common questions and I’m sure most of you women who are still trying to have a baby have been asked:

  1. Why don’t you have kids yet, are you worried that you’ll gain weight and ruin your figure?
  2. You should stop traveling and start making babies already.
  3. What are you guys waiting for, you’re not getting any younger, you should make babies already.

I think during the fifth year of my marriage, Ryan would watch out for me during parties or any gatherings where there are these so-called “insensitive people”. Well, he was just actually afraid that I might go crazy on them, and that the least I could do was just to roll my eyes.

Like, come on! If you have nothing important and nice to say to anyone, JUST SHUT UP! You have no idea what a person is going through. It is always rude to ask any personal question or even assume of something you know nothing about. If I don’t ask for your advise then please don’t give any like you know better than me.

At the back of my mind, I just wanted to shout and tell that person, if only you know what I have done and been through just to get pregnant and that I had two miscarriages then you would probably be shutting your mouth. But I just smiled and tried my best to be nice to them. I mean, I hate to be mean but I don’t ask you why you are fat or skinny, or why you have a big zit on your face, don’t I? Sorry, it’s just my hormones talking, hahah!

Funny how life is. When you don’t have a boyfriend, people tell you to find one or ask why you don’t have a boyfriend, then when you have boyfriend, people asked you when will you get married, and when you get married, people asked you when will you have kids, and when you have one kid, they will ask you when will you have another baby, and when you have so many kids, people ask you when will you stop having babies.

But of course, there are also people who understand your situation and told me that they will pray for me which I appreciate it a lot. (Thank you, You know who you are.)

So to those asking, here are some facts. In 2009 I had my cyst from my right ovary removed and only to find out later on that it had grown back. I have done four (4) Intrauterine insemination (IUI) and five (5) In vitro fertilization (IVF), all five IVF I was stimulated every time since I don’t have enough eggs for storage every harvest. This is where the hundreds if not thousands of injections come in. I have a long medical history in short. I am already immune to needles in any parts of my body.

As my friends would say, I don’t owe anyone an explanation. Safe to say that I tried everything, you name it, I have probably done it. I even drink a Chinese herbal medicine with a freaking dried cockroach looking insect in it for a year and it was the worst tasting drink I’ve ever drunk in my life.

I guess even the act of smiling is kinda hard to do when life just throws a bucket full of needles at you. But somehow, I manage to get up on my feet. 

My parents, Papa Leo and Mama Mila, played a very vital role in my journey. They are the ones who always tell me to never give up when I said that “I can’t do it anymore.” They have supported Ryan and me from day one coz we all know these procedures aren’t cheap. After the first unsuccessful procedure, they said to try again, then again, and then said “one last time” but ended up trying again and said “last nalang”, and then said, “don’t give up, try and try again”. I was physically and emotionally drained and stressed out and wanted to give up but my parents remained so positive and never wanted me to give up until we succeed.

We even spoke about adopting a child but that was never an option for me and Ryan. It was either having a baby of our own or no baby at all and just buy a dozen dogs. It was actually last year, 2017, that Ryan and I had fully embraced the thought of not having kids in our life. We have come to a point where we have accepted it and that it was okay not to have a child anymore as long as we have each other.

But God truly works in mysterious ways and I believe everything happens for a reason. Trust in Him and everything will just fall into place.

On the feast of Saint Anthony last month, our little miracle was born, a healthy baby boy. 

To be continued…

25 thoughts on “My Journey To Motherhood (Part 1)

  1. Your story is awesome! I know it must have been some bravery to share it but it’s so inspirational. Congratulations on your little one and all the joys to come. Children are truly a blessing from the Lord 😊

  2. First, congratulations on your baby boy! indeed eveything happens in God’s perfect time! I hope that despite the sleepless nights and unlimited diaper changing, the joy that he brings to you and Ryan is unconditional. Your journey was all worth it! And the insensitive people you are pertaining too? I guess there will be more and now eyeing to say something about your parenting skills! Just enjoy every single day, truly, you will tell yourself that time flies so fast when he is growing fast too!

    1. Thank you so much Dhes! Zombie mode on hahah! And yes, you are probably right, I need to be ready for other peoples comments on my parenting skills soon. I bet you had your own experience with these insensitive people. Enjoying every moment with my little one. Thank you once again!

  3. “Funny how life is. When you don’t have a boyfriend, people tell you to find one or ask why you don’t have a boyfriend, then when you have boyfriend, people asked you when will you get married, and when you get married, people asked you when will you have kids, and when you have one kid, they will ask you when will you have another baby, and when you have so many kids, people ask you when will you stop having babies.“

    This is exactly what I always tell my friends! As in! We really can’t get away with people who make insensitive remarks (and most of the time they’re relatives pa! Sad.) so best if we just ignore them (even if there are days when it will really get to you, and you start questioning things).

    My husband and I have been trying to conceive for more than 3 years now. Although we haven’t really made an effort for a “work up”, we still trust that things will happen in God’s perfect time. It’s comforting to know that we are not alone in this ordeal.

    I look forward to reading the rest of your story. Super happy to see miracles happening around us, because it gives me hope, that maybe one day, in God’s perfect time, we too will get a favor and miracle of our own 🙏🏻

    1. There are really a lot of insensitive people and makes these insensitive comments straight to your face. Like boom! So hard to smile back but good thing we still manage to. We just have to be the better person.

      With my experience we started the work up a year after my surgery (cyst removal). I think when guys feel the need to consult a doctor and do a work up, you will know it. For now, just enjoy and take it easy, coz doing a work up can really be so stressful. Like all I think about that time was counting my ovulation and all. It was stressful! But don’t be scared it’s just really part of it.

      Thank you so much for reading. God bless you and you will be in my prayers!

  4. Congrats to you and Ryan! i’ve never cried reading a blog ever until today. thank you for sharing this (crying while writing this comment and na hadluk ako bana na unsa daw ko.) haha

    ka relate ayu ko with this blog esp with the “insensitive questions/comments”. i dont know, but i feel your struggles and genuine happiness. maybe because until today, im stil battling with the same struggle. and just like you, i never questioned God, I just pray. ♥️

    Congrats again and im sure you guys will be an awesome parents! cheers!

    1. Wala jud ko nag expect dghan ma emotional sa ako post. si krispee cge katawa kay nanghilakay sila. heheh! We are not alone in this battle. I just realize it now na, dghan kau na nag struggle, I don’t know, maybe sa ato generation. But despite of it all, let’s keep the faith and always pray. In His time. I will also pray for you.

      Thank you so much Everee! This means a lot!

  5. Hi Ms. Sheila, i was teary-eyed while reading this blog (i was about to sleep while my son is also sleeping).

    First, congratulations on your first born! This is worth sharing because others might relate… and you are right! this is relatable especially to me. I also have endometriosis, I had a cyst on my right ovary and surgically removed last Dec. 2010 (including the ovary). Its a long story, but yes God has plans for us and works in miraculous way. I gave birth to my son last 2015 and his name is also Riley ❤️

    Thanks for sharing your journey, Ms. Shiela! You are very brave 😊 (I also chose the name RILEY ‘coz I read somewhere in the internet that it means BRAVE) 💖

    1. OMG! What are the odds!!! We practically have the same case with the cyst since mine was also in my right ovary although my ovary wasn’t completely removed. I love chatting with women experiencing the same situation as mine. Thank you for sharing your experience with me here. I feel so blessed and humbled that my post has reached so many hearts. And wow! your son’s name is Riley too! That’s just the cutest thing! It would be great to meet you both someday.

      Thank you so much! Hugs and kisses! God bless you and your family!

  6. Babe!! What a strong woman you are!! God truly works in mysterious ways!! I remember our quick chat last yr about it & never doubted that God will fulfill His promise to you. Virtually celebrating with you on your bundle of joy!😘🤗

  7. This post required a comment as you are sharing probably the most personal story one could ever experience. You have painted a picture of the most intricate detail of your journey, and you are very brave don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.From my heart to yours I am truly very happy God has listed and granted your hearts desire. I guess with your baby in your arms it was worth the wait. Congratulations Sheila and Ryan.

    Ps who are these insensitive people so I can accidentally run them over

    1. Thank you so much Ember! All the pain and struggle went away the moment I lay my eyes on him. God is good. All the time. God bless you and your family.

      Hahahah! We can use our bulldozer. kidding! Take care always!

  8. Hello Shei,

    This is so relatable, thanks so much for sharing this. A well written blog of being a mother and it made me so emotional reading it. The part when you mentioned about those insensitive comments about people are so sad and true. It took us over 7 years to get pregnant. I almost gave up but the Lord has his own plans for us. I am so happy for you and Ryan. Riley is such a beautiful blessing and arrived in God’s perfect time. He is so lucky to have you both as his parents. 😘😘😘

    1. Wow! 7 years! Now it all went by so quickly. Your baby is just so adorable! God truly has plans for each of us. Reminding us to always pray and trust in Him. Thank you so much Michelle! And thanks for sharing your story too. Hope to meet you and your family when you visit Pinas again soon. God bless you and your family. Take care always!

  9. I was studying for my exam when I reached to your ig story and found this beautiful, inspiring, and heartwarming journey you’re taking, te Sheila. My heart is full of happiness knowing that God is making you feel complete and that, He has heard your prayer. Your kindess always makes me feel like you are my older sister, te. I guess that’s one of the reasons why God has been giving you endless blessings! I hope and pray for your family to be stronger than ever. I hope Riley will grow up to be a fine and handsome boy. May God continue to shower you and your family with a lot of blessings this year and for the next years in your lives! Kapoya hilak huhu but worth the read jod sha te 😭💘🙏🏻

    1. Awww my sweet Joanna! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You never failed to make me smile reading your comments. May God bless you and your family too. Hugs and kisses!

  10. hi shei! your story is so inspiring. a lot of people i know have the same struggle like yours. i am proud of you because u didnt give up despite of every unsuccessful attempts. God really works in a mysterious ways because he gave you your precious little boy. 🙂 i am looking forward to the continuation of your story i hope it wont take long. 😉 enjoy motherhood! welcome to the club. (btw, we are college classmate and batchmate in usc, maybe you dont remember) hehehehe Godbless

    1. Hi Mitzi! I’m so sorry, I am really bad with names. But I am sure if I see you person then I will definitely remember you. Thank you for reading my blog. I am really so surprised that I have touched so many hearts with this post. “I am really not alone with this battle.” Hopefully, I can find the time to finish part two soon.
      God is really amazing. And I thank him every day for all the blessings. Thank you so much for reaching out! God bless you too!

  11. Maam Shei congrats! It’s all worth the pain and sacrifices you’ve been through. Babies are truly a blessing and you are blessed.God bless you maam Shei. Lavan lang… 😇😇😇

  12. this blog makes me cry babe very inspiring super nakakathankful pag surrounded with positive people God Is Good congrats Babe and Welcome to The Momma Club 😘.

  13. Hi Shei! I too was teary-eyed and got emotional reading your blog..I felt the pain and the difficulties you have been going through, na imagine nako ang struggles, ang hardships..but yes, God moves in mysterious ways..He gave you and Ryan this wonderful blessing because He knew you’d be good parents..it is His way of telling you He heard all your prayers..thank you for sharing your story.

    Again, congratulations and welcome to motherhood!😊 it’s a rough road but all worth it..

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